Screaming Babies & Grace

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I can remember a time, about a year and a half ago, I was waiting on the porch of my parent’s Sylvan Park rental yelling at Taylor to “hurry up.” She was in the back bedroom trying to get her 2 week old daughter to breast-feed. The screaming made it obvious things weren’t going well. My impatience pushed me outside and down the street waiting there like an annoyed 10 year old.

Fast forward to this June. I am sitting in the same screaming baby who wouldn’t nurse’s room. This time I have my own screaming baby. Taylor is holding Jane’s head, a blanket to prop things up, wiping my hair out of my face, telling me to “keep going she’ll latch it’s going to be okay.” I’m crying because of said conditions. Motherhood is a horrifically humbling affair. It took an agonizing hour and a half the first time I successfully breast-fed Jane. Taylor sat beside me, for an hour and a half, telling me not to quit. For 3 days straight.

I read a quote on Bob Goff’s Instagram a while ago and I can’t shake it, “grace never seems fair until you need some.” Where was my grace for my new mom sister when she was exhaustedly trying to feed her baby.

Breastfeeding. Moving. Navigating the grocery store. Traveling. Breathing. Walking. Existing. It all feels different. I did, and do, all of the “I would never” judgmental statements I made as a clueless dog mom –Taking 2 hours to breast-feed a 2 day old, hating my postpartum body, missing my baby when someone else touches her, taking on role of photographer stage mom on all social media channels, needing attention from my husband, I finally understand it all.

Sometimes I want to go back and hit that hand-on-the-hip brat yelling at her vulnerable sister but that’s counter productive. Instead, take those cringe-worthy memories and use them to choose grace. Surprise people with love. Don’t try & justify yourself to someone who’s never been there.

I feel like I’m rambling but when in doubt, grace. And then grace some more. Bite your tongue when your mind dismantles someone’s feelings. Just believe them. Being right is so overrated. So is being first. And most overrated of all—being too cool. Don’t be too cool to acknowledge someone’s feelings.